Emily In Wonderland
by schizoferb
Summary: This is Alice's Adventures in Wonderland,but with our beloved Emily Prentiss as Alice, and many familiar faces populating Wonderland. This is a parody of the original book, not the movie.My first CM story, no extremely harsh flames please.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: I don't own Criminal Minds or Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.And this is NOT a crossover, this is a parody!

A/N: SUPPORT AJ COOK AND PAGET BREWSTER! Sign the petition!

**Chapter One: Down the Emergency Exit**

Emily Prentiss was beginning to get very bored of sitting in the jet looking at the files for the team's latest case. She tried to see what book Reid was flipping through, but it was about serial killers, and "didn't they get enough of that in their jobs?", she thought with a sigh.

Even though she knew it was unwise to attempt to figure out a case without consulting the rest of the team, she tried to consider (as well as she could, because the jet always made her feel sleepy and unfocused) what in the world all these people had in common; a butcher, a baker, and a banker, when suddenly Hotch stood up from his seat.

And it was no surprise that he muttered to himself "We shall be too late!", because ever since Haley had been killed, he had been obsessed with saving any possible victims. But it was terribly strange that Hotch ran to the back of the plane, kicked open the emergency door, and leapt out into the air.

"Hotch! What are you doing?" she asked frantically, but she had scarcely a moment to think about stopping herself before she too was hurtling downward. She braced herself for ground impact, but to her surprise, she fell very slowly. "Hmm…," she muttered to herself, " it feels like I'm falling, but at the same time, it doesn't!" What would the others say about this? They would laugh, surely, and Reid would spew facts from his eidetic memory, and JJ would offer her a glass of water. Prentiss looked at her watch. She had been falling down, down, down, for fifteen straight minutes!

After five more minutes had passed, she landed on a heap of sticks and leaves. Luckily ( and miraculously!) nothing was broken, and Emily immediately jumped to her feet. "Hotch!" she yelled, "Hotch! Where are you? Are you alright?"

She was answered by faint cries of "Oh, we shall be too late! Quickly! Hurry now!" Running toward Hotch's voice, she gasped and sped toward the shed where his voice seemed to be coming from. But when she arrived there, he was no longer to be seen. The shed was lit by a row of oil lamps, and the flickering gave the room a creepy effect.

Oddly, the shed was filled wall-to-wall with doors on all sides. "What's going on?" Emily thought as she tried in vain to kick down every door in hope of escaping. "Did I fall into an unsub's trap?" Screaming for help, she turned and almost knocked over a three-legged table. _Klink, _Emily heard as a flash of gold fell onto the floor. Bending down, she discovered that flash was a key! But alas! Emily tried every door but the key was too small for all of them! Prentiss slumped to the floor, defeated. "What on earth?" she thought, pulling open a low curtain she hadn't seen before. "A door?" Yes, it was a door, if you could call fifteen inches of wood with a knob a 'door'. Figuring it was worth a try, she tried the little golden key, and to her great delight, it fit!

Prentiss opened the door and saw that it led to a cave like entrance, she peered into it and after allowing her eyes to adjust, she beheld the crime scene of the murder they were investigating. Through the passage, she saw what appeared to be the rest of the team working without her. " I wish I was smaller, then I could squeeze through this door and give them some help…Don't worry guys! I'll be right there!" she yelled, but they seemed not to hear her.

"Augh!" she moaned, "It's no use! They can't hear me, and I can't get to them. I'm no use now, I might as well rot in this beat up shack…" The moment after, she noticed a blue glass bottle on the table. "What? That wasn't there before… was it?" Emily walked toward it and noticed the label read 'DRINK ME'. Emily reached for it for a moment, then swiftly drew her hand back. _This could be an unsub's trick. He could kill her right now and no one would know._ She peeled off the label and read the opposite side up to the lights in case the real label had been painted over. Finding nothing to indicate such, she swallowed the meager contents in one gulp.

"Mmmm!" she gasped. The drink tasted like so many delicious things: cherry pie, ice cream, pineapple, turkey, taffy, and hot chocolate. Emily was to enraptured in the flavor that she didn't realize that she was shrinking to ten inches tall! She screamed when she finally realized she was shrinking and she thought it possible that she could disappear completely!

But to her relief, she stopped at ten inches. Emily ran to the door and rattled the handle. "Idiot!" she chastised herself. "You left the key on the table! Now what are you going to do?" She ran to the table to try to climb the legs, and when that didn't work, she gave it a good kick. "Now I feel better, I guess, but what now? How can I …" Another glint caught her eye, and, hoping it was a spare key, she bent down to look. It was a small glass box, and inside was a cake with the words 'EAT ME' in sprinkles. "Worth a shot, I suppose…"she mumbled, taking a bite. "Come on, come on," she muttered wondering which way she would grow. With a sigh, she ate the rest of the cake, praying it wouldn't go to her hips.

A/N: Augh, sorry this chapter was so boring, but it was necessary, I guess. It will get better, honest! Please review!

Oh, and cookies to the people who can tell me what the victims have in common (other than their professions starting with B)


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **Same as chapter one, guys. No ownership, no money made, etc.

**A/N:** SUPPORT AJ AND PAGET!

**Chapter Two: The Pool of Tears, Investigation Race, and More Confusing Tales**

Emily began shooting up in height so quickly she couldn't help exclaiming "Curiouser and curiouser!" She laughed, "I can't believe this! I must have been injected with some drug…" She was startled out of her thoughts by the soft pattering of Hotch's shoes. When he came into view, she saw that he seemed to look more like a white rabbit with Hotch's face ("Like a creepy rabbit suit," she observed).

"Oh the Duchess! The Duchess will be savage if I've kept her press conference waiting!" he stopped, panting.

"Hotch!" Emily gasped. However, she forgot that, being nine feet tall, her gasps would sound more like screams to anyone else. The White Rabbit/Hotch- thing leapt terrified into the air and spun around to face her.

"Haley? What on Earth are you doing here? Fetch my case files! Hurry now!" he yelled back and ran off to the hole in the wall. In a flash, he was gone, leaving Prentiss alone.

"He thought I was Haley? What is going on? I should get the files; he is still my team leader even if he's now a….fluffy rabbit." The thought made her laugh so much that tears fell from her eyes and splashed onto the floor. But, even after she stopped laughing, the tears continued to fall. Prentiss realized she was crying over the thought of her being stuck helpless in a shack. Everyone was probably looking frantically for her. "You ought to be ashamed of yourself for crying like this," Emily chastised herself, "You're an adult and an FBI agent. Find the files and make yourself useful!"

She glanced to the table and smiled. The files! She picked them up and glanced at the cover, confused. In place of the normal police information was a poem:

_How doth the busy profilers_

_Improve their shining cases_

_Gather the facts, find their killers,_

_And go on wild goose chases!_

_How neatly killers seem to be_

_Leaving no evidence _

_And after killing, they will flee_

_Out of the providence!_

What nonsense was this? She began absentmindedly fanning herself with the files as she thought about it. "Killers almost always leave clues, and almost never leave the immediate area… and providences? We aren't in Canada, no one calls them providences anymore…" Her butt suddenly connected full force with the table, startling her into dropping the files. "I'm three inches now? It must be the files!" She threw them away. But she was faced with a new problem. Now the table she was on was surrounded by her tears from when she was nine feet high. Prentiss sighed. "Now this is poetic justice. I'm going to drown in my own tears. Great."

Then Emily saw something paddling through the water. Upon peering closer, she recognized Gina LaSalle from the case in San Francisco. But she also had ears and a tail, which made her look like a mouse.

"Gina! Gina!" Emily leaned over the table edge. "Gin-," she yelled again, only this time leaning so far over she fell into the water.

Coughing, she rose back up to the surface and continued to yell. "Gina! Why are you ignoring me? Hey! Gina!" Finally catching up, she stopped her dead in her swim. "Gina, what's going on here? Are you helping with the case?"

However, Gina replied rudely, "Of course! Why else would any of us be here?" and swam quickly around Emily.

"Wait! This case is outside of your jurisdiction!" Prentiss yelled, but Gina continued swimming.

"Let us go to the shore and I will explain everything," Gina turned and mouse-paddled through the same hole in the wall as Hotch.

Emily reluctantly followed her and noticed that there were many other creatures following them: a Dodo-esque Sam Cooper, an eagle-winged Mick Rawson, and a colorful feathered Jonathan Simms. The creature that made her laugh the most, however, was Kevin Lynch. "I always thought he looked like a duck," she laughed to herself.

"Everyone sit down and listen to me! I have the particulars of this case!" Gina shouted from a rock she perched on. "Now, you see the crime took place about five miles away from our current location. The vics were discovered in their house by the other inhabitants. They found it advisable…"

"Found what?" Kevin loudly quacked.

"Found it," Gina replied, exasperated. "I trust you know what 'it' means."

"I know what 'it' means," Kevin replied. "When I find 'it', it's usually a hacker or a Trojan Worm, but the question is, what did the other inhabitants find?"

"Found it advisable," Gina continued, "to contact the police to help with this grave matter. Any thoughts dear?" she asked Prentiss, who jumped a little.

"No…sorry," Emily answered. "Was I supposed to be enlightened by this?"she whispered to the Eagle sitting next to her.

"I feel we should abandon this tedious endeavor to partake in a more favorable merriment," he replied, addressing the rest of the group.

"Speak in a less heavy accent! We can't understand half of what you say!" everyone yelled back.

"Fine," he replied. "I was going to say that we should play Police Investigation." He tried in vain to fake an American accent, but he could not. It didn't matter, because the next moment, the Dodo Cooper ran off in a hurry, the others scattered away.

Emily was extremely confused. This was not a traditional race by any means; no one said "One, two, three, go!", there wasn't a racecourse so everyone ran every which way they liked. And halfway through the Dodo version of Cooper called out "The profilers are here!" and the racers turned and ran in the exact opposite direction then before.

Prentiss laughed in spite of herself. Not only were these animal people insulting the police, but they were making complete fools of themselves.

"We've caught the criminal!" the Lory/Jonathan yelled. And at that point the race stopped.

"Now we can continue with the proceedings," Gina stated when everyone sat back down. "I have it all written down on my tail." And she began to read.

_Foyet said to a spouse_

_Who he met in Hotchner's house_

"_Let us go to the study,_

_And I will kill you._

_Come I'll take no denial_

_You won't survive this trial_

_And in this series you have nothing more to do."_

_Said the spouse to Foyet_

"_Such a trial you'll get_

_When my husband hears_

_You've extinguished my breath."_

"_He'll know, I bet," said the cunning Foyet,_

"_By the end of this episode I'll be condemned to death."_

At which point, Gina broke off and yelled to Prentiss. "Pay attention, this is important information!"

"No, it isn't," Emily replied, "This has nothing to do with the case!"

"That's a matter of opinion," Gina answered, and, with a huff, scampered away.

A moment of silence enveloped the group. Then the Lory broke the silence by cawing "Thank goodness she left. This was getting boring."

A mumble of agreement rang through the group.

"Now could you tell me please, where's the rest of my team?" Emily began to ask, but the sudden barking of a large dog frightened the entire party of birds away. The large dog bounded over to Emily, who realized it was only a Yorkshire terrier, but in comparison to her current height, it seemed large.

The terrier snarled at Emily and lunged for her. Terrified that it thought her a mouse, Prentiss ran as fast as she could into the woods. After a few minutes of running, she stopped to rest by a mushroom.

And an ominous voice greeted her with "Who are you?"

**

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**A/N:** Dun Dun Dun! Cliffhanger! Please review! SUPPORT CRIMINAL MINDS!

I didn't realize this chapter wouldn't be funny to the people who haven't read the book, and then I remembered that this whole story is funnier if one read's the original Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.

For all the confused people who are thinking "Who the heck is Gina LaSalle? Who are these people?" the characters of Gina, Sam, Jonathan, and Mick were in Episode 5x18, titled "The Fight." Their characters will be on the new series _Criminal Minds: Suspect Behavior_.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **See two preceding chapters.

**A/N:** Huzzah! Finally we get to meet a team member! This should get interesting…

'**Advice' From the Caterpillar**

"Hey, didn't you hear me?"

Emily tensed up. _Go away….please…._

"Who ARE you?"

_Wait. I know that voice! _Emily relaxed and ran toward the voice, all the while yelling, "Morgan! Morgan!"She continued running until she turned the corner at a large mushroom.

"Mor-!" She stopped dead in her tracks. It sounded like it was Morgan. And she saw something that looked like Morgan, except for two major details: he was smoking a hookah and had about seven or eight extra pairs of legs!

"Morgan, what's going on? Where's the rest of the team? Are there any new leads? Have you caught him?" After several moments of silence, she blurted, "Morgan, answer me!"

"What do you mean by calling me Morgan?" the…thing asked (for every minute Morgan was looking more and more like a caterpillar). "Explain. Now."

"I can't explain. You have to be Morgan, there's no other explanation. Don't you know me? I'm Emily Prentiss; I work with you. Don't you see?"

"Girl, I don't see."

"I'm afraid I can't be clearer," Prentiss replied. She was about to continue when she realized something. _If this was really Morgan, he would have caught on by now… This isn't Morgan. It's the Unsub._

'Morgan' took a long drag from the hookah. "Who are YOU?" he asked contemptuously for the third time.

_Play his game. Offer a deal._ Emily smiled. She could hear Rossi giving her instructions in her head like this was a normal case. "I think you should tell me who you are first."

"Why?"

_Dammit. Why did I not expect that? _Prentiss turned and began walking away. _If this is a hallucination, I'll see him again soon._

"Hey! Woah, woah, woah, sweet chick, come back!" 'Morgan' yelled. "I've got something important to say!"

Emily turned, exasperated. _This had better be good…_

"Keep your temper!"

"Really?" Emily yelled. "Is that all?"

He looked at her for a moment, then cracked a smile. "Nah."

Emily breathed a deep sigh and turned to go. She barely took five steps before his voice stopped her again.

"_You are old, Emily Prentiss_."

She whipped back. "Excuse me?"

"_You are old, Emily Prentiss, the doctor said,_

_And your womb shall soon become bare._

_You won't find a man to bring home the bread,_

_Because you have lost your flare."_

_Don't listen. He's playing on your insecurities. _Nevertheless, she couldn't stop herself from screaming "Shut up!"

He took another drag and began laughing.

Losing all control, she went off on him. "Shut up! Listen, Morgan, I have had one hell of a day. I've been thrown from a plane, locked in some god-awful room, and drugged until I thought I was different sizes! And being so many different sizes….augh, what a helluva dosage!"

Morgan seemed to ignore everything she said. After a short hookah puff, he asked, "What size do you want to be?"

Forgetting preconceived notions, she replied, "I don't know, normal size, maybe?" His short and confusing answers were really starting to piss her off.

"Alright, alright, calm down. One side makes you larger, and the other side makes you smaller."

"WHAT?"

"The mushroom." And with that, Morgan 'slithered' away.

Not knowing which side was which, Emily took a little of both. One chunk seemed promising, so she bit a good portion out of that. Big mistake. Before she could count to five, she shot upward into the trees, getting branches, leaves, and the like stuck in her hair.

When she stopped growing, she found herself face to beak with a bird. "Murderer!" it cawed, "Murderer!"

Looking farther into the nest, Prentiss saw a baby with dark black hair and brown eyes. _Oh my God,_ she realized. _That's my baby._

Shocked, terrified and confused, Emily ran far away. Once she judged that she was about a mile from the tree, she broke down into tears. However, she remembered that if she cried while at this height, she could very well drown herself again.

Forcing herself to stop, she ate the entire other chunk she pulled from the mushroom. That shrunk her back down to nine inches. A safe crying height.

Walking on longer, she came upon a small house. All common sense told her to stay away from it (after all, would you go into a house that sounded like an earthquake was going on inside?), but alas, curiousity prevailed, and Emily went forward to investigate.


End file.
